Things I'd Rather Do Than Learn How To Text A Man: Texting Tips/Tricks NOT Included

Is This Really A Thing? 

Seriously, I'm asking. Is this really a thing?! A how-to guide on texting a man so he doesn't ignore you?! I can't even suppress the eye roll, the smart-ass response I have, and the bad taste in my mouth. I swear, if somebody puts a bug like this in my daughter's ear, there's going to be a big problem. 

Why should relationships have rules and instructions, manipulative ones at that? Also, if he's ignoring you,---then forget all that and forget him! You will never catch me trying to get the attention of someone who ignored me. Have we not thought about the fact that you're taking away everything good that is a relationship when you do things like this...reducing it to nothing more than a game or manipulation tactic?! Alright, so, enough of my rant, let's see some of the examples:

1. 'Have a reason to text.' Okay, so wait, I can't just text blank bubbles? Do you also need to approve of my reason? Or is there some idiot-woman-proof list to choose from? My reason? Because I wanted to talk to you, genius.
2. 'Avoid simple "hi" messages.' Sure, you're right, send a page-long excerpt on what it is you're doing today. Step-by-step. That'll sure get his attention...enough for him to make fun of you to his friends. Good job. Next tip? Don't breathe too loud either.
3. 'Don't reply immediately'. OMG what kind of games are we playing here? Didn't we just talk in another post about stopping the head games? And all these people would have you jumping right back into it. How about I'll just set a timer for 'interested but not too interested' mode.
4. 'Show your independent side.' Wait, so I'm allowed to have a life outside of him? Is that what we're saying here? Or am I just pretending to have hobbies other than thinking about him? Barf! Only the best of women are independent, and we don't have to go out of our way to show it---it just presents itself naturally. My independent side...watching Netflix alone tonight.
5. 'Be mindful of your tone.' Because my natural tone is apparently too honest. He won't like that. Too much sarcasm scares the guys away...I've got to giggle it up a bit, no? It's what you're saying, right? Sarcastic tone = bad, overly sweet = good. Gag me.
6. 'Use visual language.' What? Why, because he's as mature as a twelve year old, because that is probably true. Or is it just that I want to distract him from my uninteresting text. And, wait, what kind of visual language? Are we talking about nudes? Because that's a whole other type of conversation. Ha. But seriously, do emojis count as intellectual conversation or imagery?
7. 'Be funny.' Warning: my actual humor is likely not dating-guide appropriate. I tend to offend. Seriously, though, funny tip number one: memorize stand-up comedy routines. If all else fails, send a visual. Maybe now is the time for nudes. Game over. 
8. Here we go..."send a picture.' Because words alone cannot convey my thirst for attention, now I must actually be thirsty. There you have it, ladies, your opportunity to show some cleavage. Men everywhere who don't understand or can't pay attention to the English language. So tell me, am I photoshopping? Filtering? Or just using a selfie from ten years ago? 
9. 'Express how much you miss him.' Well that feels forced. What if I don't miss him? What if I barely know him? What if I like my along time, especially because I was just with him for a whole afternoon/evening. Let me tell you...the number one way to chase a man away: go on and on about how you miss him after five minutes. It's also a super savvy way to show your independence. 'Hey, big strong man...I can hardly breathe without you, how long until I get to infringe upon your bubble of personal space?' Don't forget to add your dramatic sighs in. Ewww.
10. 'Bring up happy memories you share together.' Mmmmmk, manipulative much?! And forced! If you have none yet? It's fine, make it up. We're making up our whole personality here, why not throw in a talking point or two?
11. 'Highlight things you admire about him.' Again, "big strong man, how I just love your eyes." Double barf. I am not pumping up that man's head any bigger than it is naturally, and you better not, either. But, hey, if you really must script yourself, try my random text generator for some interesting ideas of things to say.
12. 'Share some of your feelings or things going on in your life.' As if he wants to hear all about your bad hair dye job and fight you had with your mom. I don't think so.

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Mama Gnome, A.K.A. Eliza