Warning Signs: Things NOT To Say To Your Wife/Girlfriend - The Ultimate Relationship Landmines

Warning: Proceed with caution (and a strong marriage).

I've compiled the ultimate list of phrases guaranteed to turn your loving female companion into a fiery-breathing-dragon queen ready to come your way. From innocent-sounding comments to blatantly reckless statements, these words will ensure:

• Sleepovers on the couch become routine
• Your favorite foods disappear from the weekday menu
• 'I'm fine' becomes your worst nightmare
• Sex becomes a thing of your dreams and no more a reality 

So, fellas, if you dare (and for your own good, I think you should) read on...

1. 'You look tired.' To her this means you've called her homely and you think other women are hotter. 
2. 'You look like you lost weight.' Um, you just implied that she has weight to lose. You've basically called her a cow, in her mind, and might as well have said 'that [woman from the store, work, diner, you fill in the blank] is prettier.'
3. Along those lines, never tell her another woman is prettier. I don't care if you're talking about Halle Berry, her sister, or the supermarket clerk. Just don't. 
4. 'Are you gonna wear that?' Now you just insulted her outfit, and you think some other woman looks better in what she's wearing. 
5. 'Calm down.' Don't ever say this one, ESPECIALLY if she's in a state of needing to calm down. Don't poke the bear, bro. Just wait it out. 
6. 'You're overreacting...' See above, for the love of all things holy.
7. 'You should ask my mom how she [cooks that dish, gets my stains out, keeps the house so clean...]' You get my drift. Right?
8. 'Slow your roll.' Grrrrrrr. My blood pressure just increased by writing that one. Only use this if you're the one mad and you're TRYING to piss her off. But even still, use at your own risk.
9. 'I'm working late.' This one is a fine line and a catch-22. It depends on: a) if you typically work late, b) if you need to work late, c) if you've discussed working late, and d) if you've been on good terms leading up to this statement. You can't do this in a fight. If you truly need to work late, your best bet is to ask her. I know, you're an adult, we all know...just let her make the decision for you to work late. Explain why you don't want to, but should. Then wait. Do not spring this question last minute.
10. 'I'm going out with the guys.' Like the point above, this depends on a few things. The short of it is: don't abuse it, be good when you're out, keep her posted on timing, and encourage her to also have friend time.
11. 'Where are my [keys/wallet/phone]?' She doesn't know, bro, she's not your things' keeper. Also, they make itags for this reason now. Lastly, when her stuff goes missing, you must not complain and actually help. By all means, don't say you are not the keeper of her things. Just drop it already. Even if you don't know it, it is your fault. 

In conclusion, silence is golden, gentlemen – especially in marriage. Go enjoy that quiet life...if you know what's good for you. If you can't be quiet, give her a compliment! Need ideas?! Check out the personalized compliment generator below. You will thank me later, for the knowledge I have bestowed upon you. Use wisely. You're welcome.