Decoding Women: A Survival Guide for Men (Just Kidding, You're Still Doomed)--Code Finally Cracked

*Disclaimer:*
No guarantee on relationship outcome, there are many other factors involved. See your relationship professional for advice. Individual results may vary. call your local florist in case of emergency. in the event of a step below emergent, give her food, chocolate, wine, and a massage. tell her intermittently what you love about her.

After years of research (aka being a woman), i've finally cracked the code. Proceed with caution...But beware, men: having this knowledge doesn't make you clever – it just makes you slightly less clueless. Use it wisely and at your own risk. use the following info to do good work, I am at risk by simply sharing with you (depending on the outcome), so don't let me down. author takes no responsibility for your actions before, during, or after reading this blog. (ladies, do you think I about covered it for them?)

our codes, translated:

1. 'i'm hungry' = 'i'm angry, feed me to fix it'.
2. a simple 'fine' = 'i'm furious and we're not talking.' (look disappointed and exit the room. return to her with a gift and an apology)
3. conversely 'i'm fine' = i'm anything but fine and it's your fault. fix it now or leave me alone. (but let her being alone be her choice, not yours)
4. 'what do you want to do on date night'= 'you suggest things, i'll veto everything, i'll come up with nothing, and then get mad' (you'd be best to have a pre-made list of ideas. worst case, suggest her favorite takeout, a massage, and her favorite movie. don't forget the wine and chocolate--or whatever she likes for drinks and sweets)
5. 'surprise me'= 'don't mess this up. you have one chance.'
6. 'i don't care'= 'pick the right answer, or there will be consequences.'
7. 'it depends'= this actually means it depends, but the catch is, it depends on what you haven't said yet. (she'll ask you a clarifying question. be sure your response shows that you love her and that you think she's pretty)
8. 'you're doing great'= 'this is a disaster' or 'you're doing great.' (consider the context, tone, and what you're 'doing.' be careful with your next move. I repeat, consider what it is that you're doing)
9. 'i'm busy'= doesn't mean busy at all. it means, 'i'm mad and don't want to talk to you. but I want you to want to talk to me. so keep trying. but i'll ignore you. until i'm hungry again.'
10. a simple 'whatever'= I may still be mad at you. i'm not sure. I need a minute to decide.' (don't make any sudden movements or loud noises. also don't make any negative faces or jokes right now. give her a kiss)
11. 'so let me ask you something about yesterday'= 'i'm not ready to drop it, we're still fighting, you just don't know it yet. i'm going to repeat what you did wrong in different ways.' (likely, you got too comfortable after making up from a fight, or you didn't apologize correctly. your next move is to be sure she knows you understand what you did or said wrong)
12. 'we' is never truly we. 'we'= if it was/is/will be bad, it's your fault. if it was/is/will be okay, 'we' decided together, as a team. if it's good, it was her decision. (don't worry if it wasn't. just smile, give her kisses, and support her in her glory. be her number one cheerleader)

Now that you have this secret knowledge, don't get too confident. You've got generations of f***ing up to get past. she is always right, but now the power is in your hands (sort of, she still wins, but you get to be on her good side). if nothing else, Remember:

• When she says 'let's talk,' back away slowly and tell her something you love about her before exiting the room. do not simply say 'i love you,' we're on to this.
• Putting the toilet seat down is still not optional and it will save you from a bit of avoidable trouble.
• listening (she wants this) doesn't mean you can just nod and make random sounds. she will ask you to recap. you can try to rephrase the question if you get stuck here, but that only works once.
• And for the love of all things holy, do NOT walk away during her talking – be sure she's done and give an exit answer first ('I need to take out the trash,' for example, but then you must take out the trash. don't make a mess on your way).

*Disclaimer again, because well, you're men--you probably weren't paying attention the first time:*
No guarantee on relationship outcome, there are many other factors involved. See your relationship professional for advice. Individual results may vary. call your local florist in case of emergency. in the event of a step below emergent, give her food, chocolate, wine, and a massage. tell her intermittently what you love about her.

thanks for stopping by y'all, and good luck with your relationship(s). don't forget to hop over to the merchandise tab and see some of our new items! we've got a whole new look and still the lowest prices I can do. this month we're doing a fundraiser for mental health awareness (in May we wear green!). Our next free merchandise giveaway will be 5/31--like, follow, share our page and sign up for newsletters to enter.

until next time...

mama gnome, a.k.a. eliza

*link to compatibility test provided by cafeastrology.com